Out With the Old, In With the Truth

Understanding the foundation of Self beneath trauma, abandonment, and shame.

Years ago, at my 10th high school reunion, a few classmates mentioned memories they had with me that I couldn't remember. I was confused—and honestly, I felt terrible. When I couldn't recall something that seemed so clear to them, they'd pause and look at me as if to say, How could you not remember THAT?

Research has associated prolonged trauma with physical changes in brain regions involved in memory, emotional regulation, and threat response. These effects can influence our ability to regulate intense emotions and may overlap with symptoms seen in other mental health conditions.

Trauma Changes the Brain

When emotional and psychological traumas happen in early childhood while our brains are still developing, then continue through adulthood with more compounded abuse, we have only learned one way of being. For me, I ended up reaching mid-life and realized I had no real sense of my true Self, my being, my entire soul. Despite what people think, it’s not an identity crisis, it's about shedding what was never ours and coming home to our truth.

Trauma doesn't always arrive as one catastrophic event. It can also develop through repeated experiences that may appear small from the outside but profoundly shape us over time. For me, one of the deepest patterns underneath those experiences has been emotional abandonment.

The Root

When the seeds of emotional abandonment get planted repeatedly over time, they begin to overrun our healthy seeds of Self. This pattern shows up in our heart space with feelings of inadequacy, shame and worthlessness. This becomes our false identity. 

Throughout my school-aged years I always felt different from my peers. I was disorganized, had a challenging time with math and barely made the requirements to graduate high school. There were so many nights when I would be sitting at the kitchen table with my step father, through the yelling and frustration, me sobbing and him upset with me because I wasn’t able to understand the homework. 

It always left me feeling stupid, physically exhausted and having constant anxiety over not keeping up with my peers or my parents' desires for me to get good grades and go to college. My conclusion was that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, and it was why I was constantly disappointing my parents. Many of us have experienced some version of this—as the child, the parent, or sometimes both.

This example is just one moment in time. We all have had these moments throughout our lives, and for those of us with CPTSD we’ve experienced these moments consistently, for almost our entire lifetime. 

The Garden

All of these moments begin to add up and create a larger plot of planted seeds. The seeds that have taken root are rows of worthlessness and shame, which becomes the undercurrent and repeated story in our brains of who we think we are. One of the hardest truths of my own healing has been recognizing that I also passed these patterns on to my children.

The result of not understanding our foundation of Self, is we do not know that we are living from the programs of our brain instead of the operating system of our heart. I sometimes think about our brains a little like AI: they learn from the information they're repeatedly given. When shame, abandonment, fear, or inadequacy become the training data, those patterns can begin to feel like identity.

What we think, is not what we know.

My personal journey brought me to a fork in the road and I was faced with having to make a choice. One was to continue to project my unprocessed trauma onto myself and those I love and at the same time continue to receive this behavior from others as truth, or to learn how to heal my foundation of Self. 

Choosing ourselves is often the first step we take that leads us down the path to healing. 

We now know that the brain remains capable of change through neuroplasticity—the ability to reorganize and form new neural connections throughout our lives. My own path toward creating those new patterns began somewhere unexpected: my heart.

The Heart Center

Our heart space holds our unique truth, dignity, and purpose. People ask me all the time, how do I find my purpose? Well the fastest way to find our purpose is through getting to know and understanding our heart space.

It’s where our authenticity and the truth of who we are comes from. When our foundation is grounded in shame, we will always feel abandoned and worthless. To find the medicine I needed to heal this part of me, I looked to the universal teachings of duality. 

If shame taught me I was unworthy, healing required me to practice building self worth.

If abandonment taught me I was unlovable, healing required self love.

If shame taught me I didn't belong, healing required belonging.

Shame is used in many manipulative ways whether unconsciously or consciously, and runs through us all. Shame demands obedience through fear and hierarchy. It has never been ours to carry. 

The Throat Center

If the heart is where we begin remembering our truth, the throat is where we learn to express it. It is through this hub of communication that connects us to our soul, our body and also how we receive and translate language. 

Our throat is the gateway for creative flow and expression. When this gateway is gunked up with feelings of unworthiness and shame we will feel stuck within the cycles of self doubt, confusion and feeling uninspired. 

Learning how I liked to express my creativity by exploring new creative outlets, became an important part of healing my throat center. It also gave me new ways of thinking and expressing myself, and has changed the way I respond to the world around me. 

Emotionally Supporting Ourselves 

When we have been taught that our feelings aren't worthy of being seen and heard, we are trained to abandon ourselves. Over time, we begin outsourcing our inner authority to how other people think, feel, and treat us. 

Healing this meant I had to learn how to build worth, love, and belonging from within rather than waiting for someone else to give it to me. When I would feel the triggers of abandonment, I leaned in and got curious. It was hard at first. I didn’t know how to ask myself the deeper questions so I began with that initial feeling. 

It might have looked like this: 

I'm angry. 

↓ 

Something felt unfair or violating. 

↓ 

Underneath the anger, I feel hurt. 

↓ 

Why does this hurt? 

↓ 

Because I don't feel heard. 

↓ 

What does not being heard make me believe about myself? 

↓ 

That my voice doesn't matter.

Through a deeper curiosity, I was able to get underneath that initial trigger. I felt abandoned because I wasn’t seen or heard or sometimes worse, manipulated into believing that my experiences, feelings and voice never happened. 

The path to self validation might look something like this: 

1. Recognize

This happened, and this is what I experienced.

2. Validate

My feelings about this experience are real and worthy of my attention.

3. Discern

What belongs to me here? What am I responsible for—and what isn't mine to carry?

4. Support

What do I need right now, and how can I offer that to myself with compassion?

My feelings are valid.

My interpretation can still be examined.

My behavior is still mine to own. 

If we can learn to speak, see, and hear our own truth, we can begin building a relationship with ourselves rooted in honesty instead of shame.

Healing Is a Practice 

Validating our feelings is one of the first steps to developing a healing practice. Instead of immediately being swept away by the spiral, we begin practicing something different: awareness and curiosity.

There have been many times throughout my awakening journey that I would ask myself, “Is this what having a normal brain feels like?”. The actual cognitive changes in how I process information and learning how to become aware in the present moment have given me the validation that I’m able to heal myself. 

One of the first things I did to begin (religiously!), was getting a cheap, blank notebook, and I began writing. My feelings, my life’s story, my anger, my hurt and with all my self love. Writing eventually has become my creative expression. I’m not great at it, but I love it. 

Creativity → joy → Love → Self.

Journal Prompts: 

1. Recognize: What am I feeling right now, and what happened just before I felt it?

2. Get Curious: What might be underneath this feeling? What old belief or wound does it touch?

3. Support: What do I need right now, and how can I offer some of that to myself?

4. Creativity: Make a list of activities (that makes us use our hands) that interest you, as long of a list as you like and find a way to do, learn, and try them. 

If journaling feels difficult...

You don't have to write pages. Start with one sentence:

• Right now I feel…

• What I wish someone understood is…

• What I need to hear right now is…

• Today I can honor myself by…

Healing our foundation of Self isn't about becoming someone new. It's about getting curious about what was planted there, deciding what we no longer want to grow, and intentionally planting something different. 

I’d love to hear what is coming up for you and how you're moving through it. Let's start a conversation in the comments.

For a tarot pull & healing meditation check out this episode’s podcast or youtube. 

In the next article in this series, we will explore the fundamental practice of awareness. 

In the meantime, stay true to your heart.

Rev. Jane 

Continue the Journey

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My next article will explore the fundamental practice of awareness and how our awareness center helps us to discern our truths.

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Disclaimer: 

The Inner Heart Healing Road Map is based on my personal healing journey, spiritual practice, and experience as a psychic medium and healer. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional medical, psychological, or trauma-informed care. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or require immediate support, please seek assistance from a qualified professional or emergency services. Need support now? Check out my support resource page here.