Once I decided to take time off from work, I began reflecting on all the things I’d always wanted to do but never had the time or money for. Now, looking back on the last ten months, I’m in awe of all I’ve learned, accomplished, and healed.
My first thought was about choosing a word for 2024: Connection. Connection with myself, my husband, my dogs, my family, and friends.
When I made the decision to take a sabbatical, I had no idea where this gift of time would lead. I resolved to let my heart guide the way, marking the first time in my life where I could truly do anything I wanted. I made a few pacts with myself early on: I’d say yes whenever possible, pursue anything that interested me, and invest in myself every step of the way.
When I learned that my sister planned her wedding just a month before my brother’s, my initial thought was, “OMG, how will I afford both?” This kind of knee-jerk reaction is almost always resistance—not truly our own thought, but a conditioned response shaped by our experiences, traumas, and societal influences.
As I’ve come to realize, that first reaction is often not ours; it’s simply the product of old programming, what I like to call “the resistance.” This automatic “no” is usually our ego’s way of guarding outdated beliefs and insecurities. So, when I spoke with my sister, I chose to release the resistance and focused on my genuine response: “Oh my God, I’m so happy for you!” I reframed my initial reaction, shifting from it being about me, to seeing this as her happiness, joy and fulfillment and that I genuinely was so excited for her to have her dream wedding come to life.
I know I’m not alone in recognizing this resistance, and now that you’ve read this, maybe you’ll notice it, too. How many times a day do we automatically resist—whether it’s someone’s new idea, their achievement, or even the way they drive? This reminds me of the dreaded phrase, “Well, we’ve always done it that way.” We get so automatic with our responses that they happen unconsciously.
With this incredible gift of time, I couldn’t stop thinking about driving my truck camper from Colorado to New Hampshire, spending a month visiting family and friends between my sister’s and brother’s weddings. What an opportunity for connection on so many levels!
Taking an extended road trip in my truck camper had been a dream ever since we bought it. Eric and I often talked about retiring as nomads for a year or two, eventually buying land and settling down. I began envisioning a cross-country journey in my camper, living like a nomad for the experience, connection, and adventure which made me feel excited for the first time in a long time.
When I first shared this idea with Eric, I felt his hesitation. I knew this trip would be significant, involving a long time apart, and would inevitably bring up past wounds we were still healing in our relationship. This journey would bring up exactly the situations that would challenge us. There were countless “what ifs” circling our minds.
I told Eric I’d decide by the end of February. It was important for both of us to let the idea settle before committing. Ideally, I wanted him to drive out with me, then fly back home after the first wedding, and later fly out for the second wedding and drive back together. But his work schedule made this impossible. While I had spent most of 2023 managing a toxic work environment and desperately searching for a new role, Eric was thriving in his.
It would be misleading to say we sailed through the past few years without encountering each other’s unresolved wounds and triggers. Facing and talking through these issues has been the heart of our healing journey. He worried that once I’d healed myself, I might leave him, and I didn’t make things easier by staying in my “when the going gets tough, I get going” mode. But I knew that if I embarked on this journey, I needed to consciously include him by leading with compassion and mindfulness.
As we continued discussing my potential trip, there were ups and downs. I had quit drinking over a year prior, but he hadn’t. One of the hardest challenges for me was managing my anxiety around his choice to drink. Our dynamic had been fraught in the past: he’d stop for drinks after work, I’d drink at home, and when he came home, arguments often followed. I now recognize this as a disorganized attachment, my anxious attachment combined with his avoidant style, resulting in disconnection instead of connection.
Anxious attachment doesn’t disappear by simply quitting alcohol; it fades as we actively face and work through situations that initially caused the wounds. My instinct has always been to leave. After staying in an abusive marriage far too long, I’d promised myself never to compromise my well-being again. This had built a mindset of escape instead of resilience.
Eric and I have shared countless difficult conversations over the past two years, and it has made our connection stronger. We’ve both expressed hurt, threatened to leave, and been through more together in five years than many couples face in a lifetime. Through it all, we’ve grown, healing ourselves and each other.
We often joke that we’ve packed decades into five years: surviving lockdown, selling our homes, moving cross-country with our dogs, buying a house, changing jobs—the list goes on. What we’ve experienced in these few years, most couples might face over the span of decades.
Eric didn’t love the idea of me traveling alone, so I suggested a friend join me from Denver to New Hampshire. This compromise felt easier for him to accept as the deadline neared. Conversations turned from “if I go” to “when I go,” along with all the preparations needed for my trip.
Manifestations, like seeds, grow as we grow. It took me 20 years to align with my psychic gifts, facing and healing my traumas along the way. Nine years passed before I finally moved to Colorado with a partner aligned with that vision. For anyone wondering why manifestations haven’t yet come, ask yourself: What are you doing to bring yourself into alignment?
2024 is the year I’m choosing connection—with myself, which then allows deeper connections with my husband, dogs, family, and friends. Reflecting on where I began and where I am now, I feel proud of the growth I’ve achieved. Each morning, I wake with gratitude for my life and everything in it. I know this journey is far from over; learning to nurture ourselves is the key to breaking free from old patterns and creating the lives we want for ourselves.
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