Healing the Abandonment Wound: Releasing Shame and Rebuilding Self-Worth

Building the foundation of self-worth begins by showing up for ourselves emotionally.

The abandonment wound is formed through deep emotional conditioning and becomes illuminated when we feel abandoned in the present moment. Sometimes this shows up as overwhelming emotion; other times, it’s a subtle nudge in the gut. For me, abandonment is most strongly felt when I am unseen, unheard, and invalidated—and especially when I’m on the receiving end of emotional abuse.

My abandonment wounds created a loose foundation of self-worth, shaped by a combination of childhood experiences and a twenty-year marriage that was intermittently marked by physical and emotional abuse. In those moments, I learned that my feelings, experiences, and mistakes made me unworthy of love and acceptance. And in the place where love should live—my heart—shame took root.

I know this pattern intimately because I, too, passed along these same emotional behaviors to my own children. No matter how often I tried to make amends through tearful apologies and hugs, knowing I had caused harm in real time—and lacking the emotional skills they needed during their development—only deepened my shame and sense of worthlessness.

This pattern continued as if on autopilot, and for a long time, I believed I had no access to the control panel. The times I failed to show up for my children in emotionally healthy ways far outweighed the moments when I offered love, belonging, and the emotional tools they needed to build their own self-worth.

This is how we learn to love ourselves—through the behavior modeled for us. I learned early on that love was conditional, punishable, and shameful when I made mistakes or personal decisions that triggered emotional reactions. Those moments consistently left me feeling unsupported and unloved.

Through my psychic journey—one I approach as a lifelong student—I’ve learned that emotional liberation and healing are possible. Healing happens through tending to our emotional, physical, and mental bodies; releasing outdated belief systems; healing our nervous (chakra) systems; and alchemizing shame into worth, love, and belonging.

Where abandonment lands, shame lives.

Whenever I felt I’d done something wrong—or found myself on the receiving end of pointed fingers or intense emotional reactions—a pebble of shame was left behind. These pebbles have been accumulating since early childhood. So instead of standing firmly in my sense of worth, love, and belonging when challenges arise, the pebbles shift, and abandonment, insecurity, and worthlessness are revealed beneath the rubble.

I had no idea that compounded emotional experiences rooted in shame, combined with surviving decades of domestic abuse, would require me to teach myself how to remove shame and rebuild self-worth from the inside out.

When clients come to me for psychic readings and healings and I witness their wounds of shame, I always remind them of three things:

It’s not their fault.

It can be healed.

They are brave and courageous for choosing this path—because many are meant to remain asleep at the wheel of their own human experience.

It takes real courage to move through cycles of soul growth—mini deaths and rebirths that peel back layers of who we are. These periods can feel emotionally complex as we learn how to grieve and truly feel our feelings.

Like anything in life, we are beginners until we show up for the first practice. It’s new. It can feel scary. But so did every other experience we once faced for the first time. This is simply another beginning.

There will be moments when practice feels like failure, and others when progress is undeniable. One of my favorite mantras during these times is this: we learn as we go. There are no emotionally punishable mistakes—only lessons, and the opportunity to apply the new to break the patterns of the old.

We are aiming for progress without expectation or perfection.

The abandonment I’ve felt has been conditioned into my heart space over a lifetime, often showing up as self-betrayal based on how others react to or perceive me.

Research, science, and lived experience show us again and again that humans are easily conditioned by repeated behaviors. To reprogram ourselves, we must interrupt autopilot and reclaim the control panel.

Healing the abandonment wound means learning our own specific medicine. The medicine already lives within us. Once we can see the injury clearly, we can discern what medicine is needed to heal it.

I learned that my worth had been masked for decades by patterns of shame—shame that surfaces when someone doesn’t choose me, when I make mistakes, or when it feels like no one is truly listening.

For me, abandonment is intertwined with shame, and shame equates to worthlessness.

My medicine for worthlessness has been the intentional rebuilding of self-worth, love, and belonging from within.

As spiritual beings, we carry four energetic (or etheric) bodies: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Shame—and its companions: judgment, fear, doubt, and worthlessness—primarily reside within our emotional and mental bodies.

Turning off autopilot begins with awareness.

Awareness requires courage—the willingness to notice ourselves in the present moment, our reactions, and our grief. For me, learning how to process grief has been essential. I had to understand that:

No one abandons me but myself.

The hurtful reactions and emotional abuse of others are reflections of their own shame, not mine.

I had to be willing to meet my true self.

My inner heart healing practice began with one simple question: what kind of emotional support do I wish I had received so that I could feel loved, understood, and worthy?

My answer was clear. My medicine required being seen and heard, grounded in compassion, curiosity, understanding, unconditional love, accountability, and—most importantly—self-validation.

This isn’t a one-time fix. This is practice. A daily practice of showing up for ourselves and rebuilding our foundation of self-worth. Each time feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, or old behavioral patterns surface, we are given the opportunity to respond differently.

Practice is progress. Perfection is rooted in shame.

Every time we enter awareness, we step off autopilot and reconnect with our authentic self—our soul in the present moment. These emotions are not meant to be buried or avoided. When they aren’t released, they remain stored in our nervous system, reinforcing the very patterns we seek to heal.

My release process has involved consciously moving through the five stages of grief to let go of a lifetime of shame. 

Awakening from denial. 

Feeling anger as pain. 

Bargaining between intuition and conditioned belief systems. 

Sitting in the heaviness of depression as old identities fell away. 

And finally, reaching acceptance—where releasing shame brings freedom, joy, and liberation.

Some days I didn’t show up to practice, and on those days I met myself with grace and compassion. Other days I showed up and felt like I failed. And sometimes, I showed up without expectation and allowed awareness to arrive gently.

I am still practicing. I am never perfect. I remain a student first, with a beginner’s mindset that allows me to keep learning and growing into the life I’m meant to live. I've learned that awareness and autopilot will weave in and out of each other and that it's a normal and a necessary part of the process.

As a psychic medium, I can affirm this with certainty: you, me, and all human beings are divine, worthy, loved, connected, and meant to belong without shame and judgement. Each of us has been shaped by emotional conditioning that forms our belief systems—and those belief systems are what becomes our autopilot.

Some are unable or unwilling to step into awareness and consider other perspectives. Instead, they remain attached to a singular version of truth. But when we take hold of our own control panel, we begin the practice—of awareness, healing, and releasing grief that has been buried since childhood. This is the releasing of layers of belief systems that were never ours.

Through this inner heart healing journey, I’ve become more aligned with my intuition and more rooted in my truth, leading with authenticity rather than self-betrayal.

This work has created distance within my family systems that still operate from shame, it has deepened emotional intimacy within my marriage and even my friendships, and allows me to engage more fully within my local communities as I continue the daily practice of showing up in awareness and authenticity.

Now, when these situations arise, I recognize when someone is attempting to project their shame or abandonment onto me—and I know it isn’t mine. I’ve released much of that old shame and built self-worth in its place.

I understand with clarity the sustained emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse—and how my own role once helped others conceal their shame. Stepping away from those old patterns allows me to continue my soul’s growth and move toward a life of harmony, love, belonging, and worth.

Jane Garrity is a Psychic Medium, Wilderness First Responder, writer, and social content creator — learning, healing, and awakening as she goes.

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Have you been enjoying my blog? Consider subscribing below—it’s free, and you’ll receive new posts straight to your inbox. This post marks the beginning of a series on building self-worth. Come along with me, grab your journal and begin reconnecting with your authentic self.

If you’re ready to explore your own inner healing and discover the medicine that already lives within you, I offer personal psychic readings and healing sessions designed to support self-worth, emotional clarity, and reconnection with your authentic self- your soul. You can book your personal session here.

Interested in my journey? Visit my YouTube channel for my podcast (memoir), vlog, and collective psychic readings focused on healing, love, and personal soul growth.

Journal Prompt: Define what emotional support means to you. How will you honor and offer it to yourself in moments when it’s time to practice?

Spirituality is about our connection to ourselves, our authenticity, and our soul. How is my blog helping you to connect with yourself?

Disclaimer:

This writing is based on my lived experience and spiritual healing journey. It is not intended to replace medical, psychological, or trauma-informed care. If you believe you may be experiencing PTSD, CPTSD, or are in crisis, please seek support from a qualified mental health professional or a trusted crisis resource. Healing is personal, layered, and valid at every pace.