When I was laid off from my job in December 2023, I stubbornly realized just how tired I was. I had been burnt out for what felt like years. While I was grateful for the accelerated healing that came from being in such a toxic environment, I also felt bitter. I felt betrayed, abused, and discarded. Even though I knew these emotions stemmed from old childhood wounds, I still had to face and process them.
I equate embarking on a healing journey being like an ocean. At first, the waves are enormous—tidal waves that bring up deep wounds from the very depths of our souls to the surface. These waves knock us down, drowning us in emotions, but they also allow us to become aware of the pain and begin to heal. Over time, as we process and heal, the waves get smaller. Each time we confront a triggering event, it becomes easier to reframe our minds, process the emotions, and move forward. Then one day, those same waves are so small they barely lap at our feet.
When I was faced with those old feelings of abandonment after the layoff, even though I had celebrated the separation and wanted it, my body and energy still reacted with the same symptoms as years before. Every time the ocean of trauma stirred up a tidal wave, I acknowledged the feelings and reminded myself that no one does things to me, for me, or because of me. People project their own wounds onto others, always. I am whole and loved just as I am. I gave myself compassion, forgiveness, and grace.
A few months before the layoff, I had been searching for a psychic teacher. By then, I was pulling Tarot cards almost daily and connecting with my spirit guides, but there was still a gap in communication that I wanted to fill. I found a few small local groups but nothing that truly resonated. Then I discovered the Boulder Psychic Institute. I had no idea schools like this even existed! When I heard about this school, I felt the intuitive nudge in my heart, and took the illuminated step. Classes started in January, and I immediately enrolled.
After a week of unemployment and browsing open positions, I realized my heart wasn’t in it. It was like I had a physical resistance. I had applied to over 40 roles the previous year in an effort to escape the toxic job I was in, but now I was drained. I needed a gap year. I wanted a gap year. But could I do it? How can I manage not having an income for a while?
My spiritual guidance at the time was clear: rest. My body had been in fight-or-flight mode for most of 2023, and it took me a while to even feel comfortable resting. I learned that when the body is in survival mode for extended periods, it needs time to physically heal, not just emotionally heal. Even though I had been healing my inner wounds, I hadn’t taken the time to heal my body’s energy wounds.
It took courage to tell my husband, Eric, that I wasn’t going back to work and wanted time off. When I told him I planned to take the first half of the year off, not work, and live off my savings, he was skeptical and resistant. It took him a while to process it. Days later, he’d casually ask, “So, you’re really not going to look for a job?” “Nope.” “Do you have a plan?” “I’m going to live off my savings and reassess in July. I need six months off, and then I’ll go back to work.”
I could feel his energy shift, though he didn’t say much. This was a hard concept for both of us to grasp. We joke now about how conditioning and programming dictate so many of our choices—working from the time we’re 15, raising kids, paying mortgages, and mowing lawns. Taking a gap year at 52 wasn’t an easy decision. It went against everything we’d been taught: go to school, go to work, work until you’re too old to enjoy life. As a Gen Xer, the saying goes, “work sucks, then you die”. I decided to change that narrative asap.
I’m very aware that not everyone can afford to take time off. Living paycheck to paycheck is the reality for many, and I’m grateful every day that I had savings to use. Financially, it might not have been the smartest decision, but I knew I needed this time to heal. Money is supposed to flow, its energy. For me, the risk was worth it. I knew I could make money again.
In those early months, I was fighting an infection and taking classes. I gave myself permission to rest—watch Netflix, read books, and take the dogs on easy hikes. I wasn’t sure if I would need surgery for this infection, so I spent a lot of time in and out of the doctor’s office.
As I deepened my psychic studies and allowed myself to rest, my infection cleared, and I didn’t need surgery. It turns out that when we truly rest, our bodies can heal themselves. I also had some spiritual help, and right away was able to leverage the new psychic tools I was learning.
Resting wasn’t easy. Every day, I had to reframe my thinking, shutting down the decades of conditioning that told me I should be working. I should be looking for a job. I should be exercising harder. But I learned that a “should” is just a “could” with shame attached to it. This is how we have been conditioned to think.
Every time those negative thoughts crept in, I reminded myself that not only did I deserve this rest, but my body needed it. I also gave myself love and compassion for believing the lie that we aren’t supposed to rest until retirement, that we need to work until we’re too old to enjoy life. Fuck that. I want to enjoy my life now, before I’m too old to enjoy it.
Time eventually runs out, and when it does, I want to look back at all the amazing things I’ve done, not all the things I wish I had done. As I reflect on this gap year, this gift of time, I cannot overstate how deeply grateful I am. I learned more about myself this year than in all my past years combined, and I’ve built confidence and seniority in myself that I didn’t know I needed.
Want to read more of my story? Scroll down and subscribe so that my next blog post is delivered right to your inbox!
*****
The content shared on this blog reflects my personal experiences with self-healing, spirituality, and my psychic journey. My intention is to hold space for those also navigating healing from trauma, addiction, CPTSD, and the effects of childhood or religious conditioning. This blog is not a substitute for psychological therapy or professional treatment. Rather, it is a space for sharing my journey, in the hope that it may resonate with and support others on their own paths to healing and freedom.
